Yard Sales

As spring inches closer, I get more excited about the annual neighborhood yard sale.  Every year it reminds me of my love for buying cheap things, with the hope that it’ll be worth lots of money someday. 

My love for buying other peoples stuff, started at a young age.  Every Saturday, Mom would put my little yellow rocking chair in the front seat of her white Ford Pinto.  I’d proudly sit in the rocking chair & hold the classified ads.  If there was any sudden stop, Mom’s right arm would shoot out at lightning speed & prevent me from taking a nose dive through the windshield.  Who needs seatbelts when you have a quick thinking mom?  Anyways, we’d travel the foot hills of western PA looking for ashtrays, toys, clothes, dishes, or any kind of Steelers knickknack.  Talk about fun, my mom knew how to spend a Saturday.

When we moved to the DC area, Mom found a little gem of a place called Laws Auction.  Every Friday we’d head to Laws.  At Laws, we’d usually end up bidding on & winning a box of junk.  The boxes contained random things that someone threw in while packing up an estate.  They’re sort of like lottery scratchers; don’t know if you’re a winner till you scratch.

Brace yourselves, I’m about to tell you about the BOX.  After a night of heated bidding, heated bidding for Mom was bidding in 25 cent increments; she was the proud owner of a $2.00 box of other peoples crap.  She loaded the BOX into the car & I hopped into my rocking chair.  Just kidding about the rocking chair, at the tender age of 8, I was sitting on the arm rest in the front seat of the car.  It’s a way better view from the hump in the middle of the car.  After heading home, we brought the BOX into the house. My sixth sense told me that this BOX would change our lives.

 Mom ripped off the top of the BOX.  We started pulling out old books, pens, & some tea cups.  Then I eyed something special at the bottom. What was it?  It was a picture of some bird or was it a landscape?  I can’t really remember.  The important thing is that we had a signed Wallace Nutting.  I know, Wallace Nutting, CRAZY!  How many times have you said, “I wish I had a Nutting!”  

Back in the old days, AKA the 1980’s, Mom had to call around to find the value of her Nutting.  After some research, she got an estimate of $75.00.  She sure knows a great box of crap when she sees it.  I bet the 400 people in that Wallace Nutting Collectors Club would be so jealous of my mom.  She may want to join the club & attend the next Nutting convention. Follow the link, if you want to be a cool cat & join the Wallace Nutting Collectors Club.   http://wallacenutting.com/index.html

All this talk of Wallace Nutting, got me thinking about what I’m looking for at the neighborhood yard sale.   I’ve compiled a list of things I would like to find during this yard sale season.  Since I watch a lot of Antique Road Show, Cash in the Attic, Pawn Stars, & Storage Wars, I know exactly what I’m looking for.

THINGS I WANT TO FIND AT A YARD SALE

1)    A cheap framed portrait, one with a Picasso hidden behind the outside picture.  Willing to pay up to $10.00.

2)    An old coat, with some valuable diamonds sewn into the inseam.  Willing to pay up to $5.00.

3)    Pajama Jeans, willing to pay $2.00.  What can I say I like hanging out in my pajamas.  I think it will be a way cooler look, than when I take the kids to school in my current pajamas.

4)    Another Cuisinart ice cream maker.  If I can collect 3, I can make 3 different flavors all at once.  Endless possibilities!  Willing to Pay up to $10.00.

5)    A rare ancient Vikings helmet.  Saw one on Antique Road Show, talk about valuable.  I’d pay at least $5.00, maybe $10.00 for one of those.

6)    A $2.00 Wallace Nutting to add to Mom’s collection.  If I pay more than $2.00, I’ll never hear the end of it.

If I can cross everything on my spring yard sale list, I’ll be happy camper.  I also think Mom would be real proud if I could find her another Nutting.

Poop

           It was a crisp fall day; the only thing I had on my mind was a Redskin win. Well, that was about to change.  As I walked through my yard, I almost stepped in a little present.  It was the third time a little present was left in my front yard.

            Immediately, I went to work.  I ushered the kids inside and got out poster board.   I highly recommend keeping an ample supply of poster board around for the occasional protest sign.  The kids grabbed some Sharpies and I ran to the basement to get spray paint.  With an air of authority I yelled, “Today is the day we will make no pooping signs!”  For years the kids have been whining, “When can we make no pooping signs. Please, please, Mommy, let us make no pooping signs!”  I decided to give the kids total creative control over their signs.

            While they were busy making signs, I decided to mark the spot with spray paint.  I started spraying a white circle around the little present and was quickly lost in thought.  I started day dreaming about what would happen if I caught the culprit.  Here’s the clean version. I run out of the house and say, “What are you going to do with that poop?”  The mystery person says, “Nothing, I’m going to leave it in your yard!”  This is where you may want to stop reading, cause I’m about to go TIGER MOM.  I take a plastic bag, run out, and put the poop in the bag.  I then follow the mystery person around with a plastic bag of poop.  I’m yelling, “I’m following you till you get to your house! Do you know what I’m going to do with this poop?  Do you, do you?  Not so tough with a Tiger Mom following you around with a bag of poop, are you?”  In my fantasy, I’ve just scared the poop out of the mystery person.  I quickly snap out of my day dream and have run out of spray paint.   The only thing missing are the signs. I prominently place three no pooping signs in my front yard.  A good no pooping sign in your front yard is sure to bring up the house values.

            What’s my point?  Pick-up after your dog or I might go Tiger Mom on you!

Hedge Fund Managers the Richest of the Rich!

From the Mind of My Boy...
When I grow up I want to be hedge fund manager.  I saw a 60 minutes special on hedge fund management, and wow are theywicked rich!  I think it would be so cool to be a hedge fund manager and wicked rich!!!  The job might be a little boring, but with all my money I’ll have lots of hobbies.

Since I’ll be so rich, I’ll retire when I’m 30 and spend the rest of my life enjoying all my stuff and showing off how rich I am.  With money, there come responsibilities like giving generous gifts to my mom; like $10,000,000,000.  I’ll keep the other $10,000,000,000,000,000 for me.

You’re probably wondering what I’ll do with all my money; well, I’ll spend it on many important things like court-side seats to basketball games! I’m also going to buy the Washington Redskins from that weasel Dan Snyder!  I’m going to take the Skins to the super bowl in my first year of ownership! I’ll, also buy a sweet ride and a huge mansion!  With my other several $10,000,000,000 I’ll buy tons of other expensive things!

Pretty much when I grow up I’ll be super rich!!!     

THE END!

A True Story…

The day started out so innocently, I awoke feeling like a million bucks.  Walked my children to school & came home.  I poured myself a piping hot cup of tea & pondered what to do with my 4 year old.  A brilliant idea crossed my mind; I'll hit the gym & send my daughter to the gym daycare.  I knew she would love hanging out at the gym daycare.  So I changed into workout clothes & made my way out the door.

Hand in hand we walked to the driveway.  Much to my surprise the driveway was empty.  I retraced my steps from the day before.  After careful thought, I determined that I did in fact drive home the previous day.  I looked up and down the street, no swagger wagon in sight.

 I proceeded to call the police.  A bit confused, I wondered what number to call?  Was 911 appropriate?  My coupon organizer was in the vehicle.  The thought of someone stealing my "$.75 off 2 Trix yogurt packages" makes me sick to my stomach. The question still remained, was it an emergency?  After considering the options, I decided to call the non-emergency police number. 

I recounted the harrowing tale & impressed the dispatch with my police lingo.  I said, "Send in your CO, bring the Hot Sheet, and put out an APB! My swagger wagon's been stolen!"  An hour later an officer arrived.  The officers take on my dilemma, "A crime of opportunity."  Wow, what a relief that was!  I thought the vehicle had been targeted for its pristine condition.  The detective on the case thinks the minivan is in DC or Maryland. 

Now on to my anti-theft tips.  These suggestions have not been scientifically proven.  If you are easily offended; DO NOT READ THESE SUPER SMART TIPS!

Tips to Prevent Grand Theft Auto

1)   If you think having two Redskin decals in the rear windows of your car would deter a thief, think again!  Cars with lots of bumper stickers are always a turn off. You may want to drape your car in some bumper stickers, that will leave thieves shaking in their stolen boots.  Picture these thought provoking stickers on the back of your vehicle…

·       KEEP HONKING I'M RELOADING

·       MY CHILD WAS INMATE OF THE MONTH AT THE COUNTY JAIL

·       FLOOD DAMAGED VEHICLE

·       CAUTION: BUMPER FALLS OFF

·       333 I'M ONLY HALF EVIL

·       YOU HAVE TO BE REAL SECURE TO BE IN A CAR LIKE THIS

·       GOD CREATED MAN FIRST; HE NEEDED A ROUGH DRAFT FOR THE MASTERPIECE

·       THIS IS NOT AN ABANDONED VEHICLE  

I don't know about you, but that kind of CRAZY would scare me!

2)   Good indoor car accessories can definitely fight crime.  Try fuzzy dice hanging from the car mirror. It sends out a message, that you are not to be messed with.  Also, keep a trash bag filled with empty juice boxes, water bottles, yogurt cups, snack bags, baby bottles, and random papers with cute kid drawings.  When feeling vulnerable, empty the contents of the trash bag throughout your car.  Remember the more trash the better.  It gives your car the "ransacked" look.   The thief will think someone else got all the good stuff.

3)   A car sun shield that says in big bold letters, "200,000 MILES & COUNTING" will not only keep your car cool, but also says, "Hey it's not worth it!"

4)   The Club! This may be old fashioned, but paired with fuzzy dice is a powerful deterrent.

5)   Lastly, install an 8 track tape player.  When the kids say, "What is that thing?"   Just tell them, "It's an anti-theft device!"

I share my wisdom to enlighten you.  Hopefully my future Swagger Wagon will remain in my driveway.  I leave you with these final words, "Lock your car doors!"