Hurricane Irene

Wow, hurricane Irene sure did pack a punch at my household. I thought I’d share my hurricane story.

 I prepared for the storm much like I did for a snow storm.  I raced to Total Wine and bought some Boones Farm.  Unsure of how much to get, I bought a case.  Once home, I pulled out a few flashlights.  I didn’t feel the need to see if they had working batteries, because my sixth sense told me they would work in an emergency.  Then I locked all the doors and popped open my Boones Farm.

I sat down to watch some TV.  After a bit of channel surfing, I narrowed down my choices to Storm coverage (I had lots of channels to choose from) or Bravo.  Settling on Bravo, I watched reruns of Millionaire Matchmaker.  During the second episode my kids started bugging me to play a game with them.  I yelled, “Mommy’s busy watching Millionaire Matchmaker, quit bothering me!”  I went back to my little bit of TV heaven. 

Suddenly the power went out!  I huddled the family together and grabbed my flashlights. Thankfully one of the lights worked. Here’s a helpful hint for emergency preparedness, check flashlight batteries before a power outage.  The kids were screaming, “What’ll we do, what’ll we do?”  My motherly instincts kicked in and I yelled, “OK, I’ll play Uno with you!”  We gathered around the flashlight and passed out the cards.  Then a miracle on 1st  Road happened, the power came on.   I didn’t have to play Uno after all and went back to Millionaire Matchmaker. 

This event was perhaps the toughest 10 minutes of my life; it went by in slow motion.  It tested my character like nothing else ever has.   Here’s what I’ve learned from Hurricane Irene; I’m a survivor and check flashlight batteries before a storm, don’t rely on your sixth sense. 

How To Win at a Silent Auction

        Some of you may have noticed how fit I’ve been looking lately.    I spend hours at the gym lifting weights & running on the treadmill.   I’ve also been doing a lot of wind sprints, with old fashioned black erasers.  You may wonder what kind of event I’m training for.  It’s not a marathon or a triathlon.  It's a silent auction!   

        The competitive nature in me just takes over when I’m handed a top secret bidder number.  Don’t even try to look at it!   The intense training I have endured will help me as I sprint back & forth across the conference room to write down my winning bids.   I apologize in advance for the wine spilling, that will surly occur during my mad dashes.  For your own safety, please clear the path!

        Ok, enough about my rigorous training.  Some of you are newbie’s to the silent auction world.  While, some of you oldbie’s have limited auction training (oldbie’s is a word that I may have just made up, I constantly amaze myself).  What I am about to share with you is my very own “Top Secret Bidding Tips”.  I’ve researched this topic extensively & would have done a master’s thesis on it, had I ever had to tackle such a demanding project! I’ve never shared this classified information with anyone.   I’d hate to see what would happen if this information ended up in the wrong hands.

“Top Secret Bidding Tips”

1)    Bid early & often, don’t hold back!  Let everyone know that you are here to win & don’t let anyone out bid you!

2)  Keep an eye on your items.  There are people out there who will try to distract you from being the winning bidder.  Here’s one way they will do it, “Hey, did you see the last episode of The Real Housewives of Orange County? Those are some crazy girls!”  Meanwhile, they send their spouse to out bid you. Don’t let this happen!  Distraction Drill: Let’s just pretend the “fixed object” in this scenario is a bid sheet.   Imagine, someone is talking to you & you nod your head politely (as if you’re listening) all while looking at the “fixed object” in the distance.   If you practice this in your spare time, you’ll be able to spot someone trying to outbid you.  With some agility training and a quick “Gotta go!” you can race over & put down a new bid.

3)  Be aware of when sections are closing, this auction has room for only one sprinter.  In case you forgot that sprinter would be me.

4)  If there is something that you really want, keep bidding & stay close to the bid sheet.  You may want to try this exercise that I find very useful in auction training. The “Safety Patrol Drill”; Hold your arms out like a safety patrol,  palms facing backwards,  & slowly push back with your arms.  Now pretend that people are pushing on your arms, trying to get in front of you.  Ok, visualize a bid sheet in front of you, keep those arms out… the section closes!  You win!  You may not win friends & influence people with the safety patrol strategy, but at least you’ll win a sought after package.

5)  Don’t show any signs of weakness during the live auction.   Hold your bidder number high & frequently use it.   This is a show of dominance let’s everyone know who’s the boss.   It’s ok to bid against yourself.  Some people frown upon this, but studies show that bidding against yourself may actually add value to live auction items.  To prepare for the live auction, experts recommend raising your hand several times, while holding 8 ½’ x 11’ piece of card stock paper.  If you practice this throughout the day (I personally recommend 5 sets of 10 at least 6 times a day), you will be as prepared as one can be for the marathon bidding that happens during the live auction.

I Love This Kid

Coupon Addiction?

I’ve been watching Intervention lately.  I have this terrible fear that someday I may be on that show.  Here’s how I think it will go down.  A producer will call me & tell me I’ve been selected to be on Extreme Couponing.  Elated, I will pick out all my favorite pastel shirts. I look so good in pink & lavender.  I’ll load up on face powder, those HD cameras really show the T zone. Then I’ll lose 15 pounds, since the camera adds an extra 10 pounds.  To top off my thin look, I’ll wear 6 inch heels in every scene.  I’ll tell the producers about my stock pile & how much I love my stock pile.  Then I’ll take the camera crew on the big shopping trip.  You know, the trip where I buy $1,000.00 worth of crap for $6.00.  After my successful crap buying trip, I head to my FINAL interview, at the hotel. 

DUE TO THE GRAPHIC NATURE OF THIS SCENE READER DESCRETION IS ADVISED

I say, “What’s going on here, why are all these people here?”

The Intervention lady says, “We just want to talk to you about your addiction.”

“No, no I don’t have a problem! I’ll refuse to go.”  I say with my eyes bulging out of my head.

“But Mom, you’ve been building cereal pyramids & I don’t know you anymore!” my daughter sobs.

“You know me, I’m the Mom who brought 12 boxes Fruity Pebbles cereal bars to your last soccer game. All the kids loved it, you remember, don’t you? Every kid had their own box of cereal bars!” I yell.

My husband & the intervention lady say, “You need to go now!”

Then the show cuts to the part that tells what happens after the intervention. 

AFTER SPENDING 10 DAYS AT THE PALM SPRINGS COUPON ADDICTION CENTER, LITTLE J LEFT. SHE WAS FOUND AT BLOOMS TAKING ADVANTAGE OF THEIR DOUBLE DOUBLE COUPON WEEK.  SHE SAYS THAT HER COUPONING IS UNDER CONTROLL, BUT HER FAMILY SAYS SHE RELAPSES EVERY WEEK WHEN THE SUNDAY CIRCULAR COMES OUT.

To prevent this from happening, I’ve decided to make a TOP TEN LIST for myself& anyone else who feels they may need it.

TOP TEN SIGNS THAT YOU ARE A COUPON ADDICT

1)   You build cereal pyramids in your driveway.  It’s ok if you build them in the house, just not the driveway.

2)  You call your insurance agent to buy coverage for your stock pile.

3)  You have enough toilet paper to last 100 years & looking at your toilet paper fills you with joy.

4)  You load up on 1,000 Butterfinger candy bars, because you can.

5)  You have enough toothbrushes to give everyone in your town one. Unless you live in a real small town with a population of 10.

6)  When the Sunday circular comes your hands start to shake.

7)  You start stealing your neighbors Sunday circular coupon inserts.

8)  You spend 6 hours preparing for a grocery store trip.

9)  You make your kids dumpster dive for coupons.

10) You take 4 hours to check out at the grocery store.

If any of these describe you, (they don’t describe me yet) you may have a problem.  Seek guidance from a trained coupon addiction specialist.  I don’t know where to find one, but I’m sure they exist.

Yard Sales

As spring inches closer, I get more excited about the annual neighborhood yard sale.  Every year it reminds me of my love for buying cheap things, with the hope that it’ll be worth lots of money someday. 

My love for buying other peoples stuff, started at a young age.  Every Saturday, Mom would put my little yellow rocking chair in the front seat of her white Ford Pinto.  I’d proudly sit in the rocking chair & hold the classified ads.  If there was any sudden stop, Mom’s right arm would shoot out at lightning speed & prevent me from taking a nose dive through the windshield.  Who needs seatbelts when you have a quick thinking mom?  Anyways, we’d travel the foot hills of western PA looking for ashtrays, toys, clothes, dishes, or any kind of Steelers knickknack.  Talk about fun, my mom knew how to spend a Saturday.

When we moved to the DC area, Mom found a little gem of a place called Laws Auction.  Every Friday we’d head to Laws.  At Laws, we’d usually end up bidding on & winning a box of junk.  The boxes contained random things that someone threw in while packing up an estate.  They’re sort of like lottery scratchers; don’t know if you’re a winner till you scratch.

Brace yourselves, I’m about to tell you about the BOX.  After a night of heated bidding, heated bidding for Mom was bidding in 25 cent increments; she was the proud owner of a $2.00 box of other peoples crap.  She loaded the BOX into the car & I hopped into my rocking chair.  Just kidding about the rocking chair, at the tender age of 8, I was sitting on the arm rest in the front seat of the car.  It’s a way better view from the hump in the middle of the car.  After heading home, we brought the BOX into the house. My sixth sense told me that this BOX would change our lives.

 Mom ripped off the top of the BOX.  We started pulling out old books, pens, & some tea cups.  Then I eyed something special at the bottom. What was it?  It was a picture of some bird or was it a landscape?  I can’t really remember.  The important thing is that we had a signed Wallace Nutting.  I know, Wallace Nutting, CRAZY!  How many times have you said, “I wish I had a Nutting!”  

Back in the old days, AKA the 1980’s, Mom had to call around to find the value of her Nutting.  After some research, she got an estimate of $75.00.  She sure knows a great box of crap when she sees it.  I bet the 400 people in that Wallace Nutting Collectors Club would be so jealous of my mom.  She may want to join the club & attend the next Nutting convention. Follow the link, if you want to be a cool cat & join the Wallace Nutting Collectors Club.   http://wallacenutting.com/index.html

All this talk of Wallace Nutting, got me thinking about what I’m looking for at the neighborhood yard sale.   I’ve compiled a list of things I would like to find during this yard sale season.  Since I watch a lot of Antique Road Show, Cash in the Attic, Pawn Stars, & Storage Wars, I know exactly what I’m looking for.

THINGS I WANT TO FIND AT A YARD SALE

1)    A cheap framed portrait, one with a Picasso hidden behind the outside picture.  Willing to pay up to $10.00.

2)    An old coat, with some valuable diamonds sewn into the inseam.  Willing to pay up to $5.00.

3)    Pajama Jeans, willing to pay $2.00.  What can I say I like hanging out in my pajamas.  I think it will be a way cooler look, than when I take the kids to school in my current pajamas.

4)    Another Cuisinart ice cream maker.  If I can collect 3, I can make 3 different flavors all at once.  Endless possibilities!  Willing to Pay up to $10.00.

5)    A rare ancient Vikings helmet.  Saw one on Antique Road Show, talk about valuable.  I’d pay at least $5.00, maybe $10.00 for one of those.

6)    A $2.00 Wallace Nutting to add to Mom’s collection.  If I pay more than $2.00, I’ll never hear the end of it.

If I can cross everything on my spring yard sale list, I’ll be happy camper.  I also think Mom would be real proud if I could find her another Nutting.

Poop

           It was a crisp fall day; the only thing I had on my mind was a Redskin win. Well, that was about to change.  As I walked through my yard, I almost stepped in a little present.  It was the third time a little present was left in my front yard.

            Immediately, I went to work.  I ushered the kids inside and got out poster board.   I highly recommend keeping an ample supply of poster board around for the occasional protest sign.  The kids grabbed some Sharpies and I ran to the basement to get spray paint.  With an air of authority I yelled, “Today is the day we will make no pooping signs!”  For years the kids have been whining, “When can we make no pooping signs. Please, please, Mommy, let us make no pooping signs!”  I decided to give the kids total creative control over their signs.

            While they were busy making signs, I decided to mark the spot with spray paint.  I started spraying a white circle around the little present and was quickly lost in thought.  I started day dreaming about what would happen if I caught the culprit.  Here’s the clean version. I run out of the house and say, “What are you going to do with that poop?”  The mystery person says, “Nothing, I’m going to leave it in your yard!”  This is where you may want to stop reading, cause I’m about to go TIGER MOM.  I take a plastic bag, run out, and put the poop in the bag.  I then follow the mystery person around with a plastic bag of poop.  I’m yelling, “I’m following you till you get to your house! Do you know what I’m going to do with this poop?  Do you, do you?  Not so tough with a Tiger Mom following you around with a bag of poop, are you?”  In my fantasy, I’ve just scared the poop out of the mystery person.  I quickly snap out of my day dream and have run out of spray paint.   The only thing missing are the signs. I prominently place three no pooping signs in my front yard.  A good no pooping sign in your front yard is sure to bring up the house values.

            What’s my point?  Pick-up after your dog or I might go Tiger Mom on you!

Hedge Fund Managers the Richest of the Rich!

From the Mind of My Boy...
When I grow up I want to be hedge fund manager.  I saw a 60 minutes special on hedge fund management, and wow are theywicked rich!  I think it would be so cool to be a hedge fund manager and wicked rich!!!  The job might be a little boring, but with all my money I’ll have lots of hobbies.

Since I’ll be so rich, I’ll retire when I’m 30 and spend the rest of my life enjoying all my stuff and showing off how rich I am.  With money, there come responsibilities like giving generous gifts to my mom; like $10,000,000,000.  I’ll keep the other $10,000,000,000,000,000 for me.

You’re probably wondering what I’ll do with all my money; well, I’ll spend it on many important things like court-side seats to basketball games! I’m also going to buy the Washington Redskins from that weasel Dan Snyder!  I’m going to take the Skins to the super bowl in my first year of ownership! I’ll, also buy a sweet ride and a huge mansion!  With my other several $10,000,000,000 I’ll buy tons of other expensive things!

Pretty much when I grow up I’ll be super rich!!!     

THE END!