How To Win at a Silent Auction

        Some of you may have noticed how fit I’ve been looking lately.    I spend hours at the gym lifting weights & running on the treadmill.   I’ve also been doing a lot of wind sprints, with old fashioned black erasers.  You may wonder what kind of event I’m training for.  It’s not a marathon or a triathlon.  It's a silent auction!   

        The competitive nature in me just takes over when I’m handed a top secret bidder number.  Don’t even try to look at it!   The intense training I have endured will help me as I sprint back & forth across the conference room to write down my winning bids.   I apologize in advance for the wine spilling, that will surly occur during my mad dashes.  For your own safety, please clear the path!

        Ok, enough about my rigorous training.  Some of you are newbie’s to the silent auction world.  While, some of you oldbie’s have limited auction training (oldbie’s is a word that I may have just made up, I constantly amaze myself).  What I am about to share with you is my very own “Top Secret Bidding Tips”.  I’ve researched this topic extensively & would have done a master’s thesis on it, had I ever had to tackle such a demanding project! I’ve never shared this classified information with anyone.   I’d hate to see what would happen if this information ended up in the wrong hands.

“Top Secret Bidding Tips”

1)    Bid early & often, don’t hold back!  Let everyone know that you are here to win & don’t let anyone out bid you!

2)  Keep an eye on your items.  There are people out there who will try to distract you from being the winning bidder.  Here’s one way they will do it, “Hey, did you see the last episode of The Real Housewives of Orange County? Those are some crazy girls!”  Meanwhile, they send their spouse to out bid you. Don’t let this happen!  Distraction Drill: Let’s just pretend the “fixed object” in this scenario is a bid sheet.   Imagine, someone is talking to you & you nod your head politely (as if you’re listening) all while looking at the “fixed object” in the distance.   If you practice this in your spare time, you’ll be able to spot someone trying to outbid you.  With some agility training and a quick “Gotta go!” you can race over & put down a new bid.

3)  Be aware of when sections are closing, this auction has room for only one sprinter.  In case you forgot that sprinter would be me.

4)  If there is something that you really want, keep bidding & stay close to the bid sheet.  You may want to try this exercise that I find very useful in auction training. The “Safety Patrol Drill”; Hold your arms out like a safety patrol,  palms facing backwards,  & slowly push back with your arms.  Now pretend that people are pushing on your arms, trying to get in front of you.  Ok, visualize a bid sheet in front of you, keep those arms out… the section closes!  You win!  You may not win friends & influence people with the safety patrol strategy, but at least you’ll win a sought after package.

5)  Don’t show any signs of weakness during the live auction.   Hold your bidder number high & frequently use it.   This is a show of dominance let’s everyone know who’s the boss.   It’s ok to bid against yourself.  Some people frown upon this, but studies show that bidding against yourself may actually add value to live auction items.  To prepare for the live auction, experts recommend raising your hand several times, while holding 8 ½’ x 11’ piece of card stock paper.  If you practice this throughout the day (I personally recommend 5 sets of 10 at least 6 times a day), you will be as prepared as one can be for the marathon bidding that happens during the live auction.

I Love This Kid

Coupon Addiction?

I’ve been watching Intervention lately.  I have this terrible fear that someday I may be on that show.  Here’s how I think it will go down.  A producer will call me & tell me I’ve been selected to be on Extreme Couponing.  Elated, I will pick out all my favorite pastel shirts. I look so good in pink & lavender.  I’ll load up on face powder, those HD cameras really show the T zone. Then I’ll lose 15 pounds, since the camera adds an extra 10 pounds.  To top off my thin look, I’ll wear 6 inch heels in every scene.  I’ll tell the producers about my stock pile & how much I love my stock pile.  Then I’ll take the camera crew on the big shopping trip.  You know, the trip where I buy $1,000.00 worth of crap for $6.00.  After my successful crap buying trip, I head to my FINAL interview, at the hotel. 

DUE TO THE GRAPHIC NATURE OF THIS SCENE READER DESCRETION IS ADVISED

I say, “What’s going on here, why are all these people here?”

The Intervention lady says, “We just want to talk to you about your addiction.”

“No, no I don’t have a problem! I’ll refuse to go.”  I say with my eyes bulging out of my head.

“But Mom, you’ve been building cereal pyramids & I don’t know you anymore!” my daughter sobs.

“You know me, I’m the Mom who brought 12 boxes Fruity Pebbles cereal bars to your last soccer game. All the kids loved it, you remember, don’t you? Every kid had their own box of cereal bars!” I yell.

My husband & the intervention lady say, “You need to go now!”

Then the show cuts to the part that tells what happens after the intervention. 

AFTER SPENDING 10 DAYS AT THE PALM SPRINGS COUPON ADDICTION CENTER, LITTLE J LEFT. SHE WAS FOUND AT BLOOMS TAKING ADVANTAGE OF THEIR DOUBLE DOUBLE COUPON WEEK.  SHE SAYS THAT HER COUPONING IS UNDER CONTROLL, BUT HER FAMILY SAYS SHE RELAPSES EVERY WEEK WHEN THE SUNDAY CIRCULAR COMES OUT.

To prevent this from happening, I’ve decided to make a TOP TEN LIST for myself& anyone else who feels they may need it.

TOP TEN SIGNS THAT YOU ARE A COUPON ADDICT

1)   You build cereal pyramids in your driveway.  It’s ok if you build them in the house, just not the driveway.

2)  You call your insurance agent to buy coverage for your stock pile.

3)  You have enough toilet paper to last 100 years & looking at your toilet paper fills you with joy.

4)  You load up on 1,000 Butterfinger candy bars, because you can.

5)  You have enough toothbrushes to give everyone in your town one. Unless you live in a real small town with a population of 10.

6)  When the Sunday circular comes your hands start to shake.

7)  You start stealing your neighbors Sunday circular coupon inserts.

8)  You spend 6 hours preparing for a grocery store trip.

9)  You make your kids dumpster dive for coupons.

10) You take 4 hours to check out at the grocery store.

If any of these describe you, (they don’t describe me yet) you may have a problem.  Seek guidance from a trained coupon addiction specialist.  I don’t know where to find one, but I’m sure they exist.